Still stuck

I feel depressed,sad,lonely and all that negative nancy energy right now,my best bud(although occasionally bully me) Tan and Darwin already finished their study and graduated.3 weeks I've met my old buddy,a neighbour of mine when I was a kid,we both hangout and have a drink and chit chat,catch up telling each other what we've been up to...I'm surprise my friend Alvin stop study halfway,decided to venture business and become success,I mean really success,fancy car,fancy phone,purchased big houses,everything went well for him and I'm happy for him at the sametime I envy his success.I fed up the fact that we're the same age Alvin and I,but we live different path and his become more awesome.Me? I'm still study and struggling to get good grades,fuck.my.life.Theres one saying from my other friend "masing masing ada rezeki sendiri" while I agree this term but deep inside of me I want as much success as them...now that my uni friends graduated I feel lonely and unmotivated,I feel sorry for my parents for not giving them money.Why am I continue study? I fed up study already,I'm twenty freakin five years old,some of other friends have child already for goodness sake,recently I received news from my college friend Nicky that Josh have a baby girl already I was like wtf??! And yet here I am again,no money,no job,no degree in hand still study,decent below average intelligent...why am I still here? 1 PLUS more year ahead...fuck my life.

edit:

Oh well just when I thought I'm gonna missing two of my bonehead buds they still stuck here as they had 1 more subjects to finish.Sad to them they didn't finish but the bright side I got the chance to meet them again but this time not often,once in a while.

Dream of Hitomi Yoshizawa

Before I forget hows the dream like I better post about it.

I was about to enter a classroom,I didn't remember other students face except Yossi,I shout "its Hitomi Yoshizawa!!!" and I'm like playing chasing with her until I grab her by the hand,and we're holding hands walk around the park or something,no sex unfortunately but what does this dream mean?? I haven't thought of her for quite a while and suddenly out of nowhere she appear in my dream,somekind of sign or something?? anyway thats all I remember.

Another week of sadness

Just when I thought everything is well and dandy I receive a shocking news few days ago,Yoshito Usui the creator of Crayon Sinchan found dead below cliff after fell off the cliff,where he climb on a hill for a trip...I'm guessing its just another mountain climbing for him but unfortunately he probably slipped and fell off the cliff...goddamnit its not fair at all.I loss my late uncle(I never got the chance to say my last goodbye to him,I never even bother wanna visit him the past 2 years) and grandfather(1 week before his death I took a picture with him) on May and June respectively,in between those month the late legendary Mitsuharu Misawa,the owner and wrestler from Noah pro wrestling died from cardiac arrest after having a heart attack inside the ring(during tag title match against Smith/Saito and him tag with Shiozaki).Its like the thing that I like or a big fan of,someone related to me...gone just like that.Not fair at all life just been threw away like that.
To the late Mr.Yoshito Usui,thank you for great comic like Sinchan to bring laughter to me,the comic that I somewhat can relate to,and to be able mimicking your Sinchan was an honor too.

Its raya holiday! Since last week I only had one class so pretty much I have 2 weeks holiday.Fuck I'm so free this semester and I got no motivation to study or bother to do programming,such a shitty subject where can I find the mood to do it,and that fucking lecturer expect me to search form 5 text book about additional math,I DID NOT LEARN ADD MATH DURING MY FORM 4 & 5 YOU DUMB BITCH.Back to raya holiday this week,I didn't eat rice for 4 days now and currently all my supplies are finished...all I have left are crackers and raisins.While I love holiday but when it comes to finding ration here,it sucks hard...also my soar skin around my right armpit/muscle bicep area are fully healed but it left scar there,it is because I reuse my shirts and it cause me this...its as if I got punish for hurting someone feeling,fucking shit now my skin is not silky smooth anymore.So I have my high and lows this year,I wonder how the people with positive attitude able to face those problem everyday...Good news is...last Saturday I finally bought the games that I wanting long ago,I'm so thankful theres a friend who willing to drive me to Southcity Plaza to meet with the buyer to deal cash on delivery,I bought 2 games with 2 different people within 1 hour,while its feels good mang when I hold that game to my hands but thing is....

The console is at my hometown in Miri,thus I unable to play it right away...FUUUUUUUUUU-

have to wait patiently until November,damn it.

Down mode

Its one of those days when you feeling down and I'm having one right now,I feel I don't achieve anything this week despite went to Melaka last Monday.Tan,Wen Qin,Darwin,Darwin's bro & me while its fun but during the trip there is something missing,I'm like 65% excited throughout the trip 35% feel empty inside,damn the negative energy inside me I can't be positive(still regret of not purchase Dr.Slump or Doraemon shirt!).Today I didn't went to class because I dedicate myself draw something...a comic strip from 3pm to 5.30pm,I rest for a while and went for dinner and then at 6.30pm I continue my draw until 3am(stopped for a while for a cup of coffee or went to toilet),yesterday I didn't went to class because feeling extremely tired from the trip to Melaka plus past few days lack of sleep,feeling so useless right now...the low of the lowest point right now.

Birthday bash.....NOT

Liyana~

Last Saturday was my birthday,I got many wishes through smses,a call,and many wishes on facebook pages(even unknown friends which I added them mainly for Mafia wars).While I love to see people wishes me birthday but I also want a real birthday wish in person,because all I received was through social networking and a call,not rocket science there...means that I'm not meeting them all in person.What did I do whole day during my birthday on Saturday? Nothing special,at 12am on 5th September I've drawn a full Street Fighter 4 characters with me and a cake until 8.30am...not only I draw I colored it too,I don't know why I put so much effort and sweat and tears towards the draw,its not like someone gonna buy it or appreciate it...probably just for my amusement.For the rest of the day I sat in front of my computer surfing internet and do some more drawing and thats pretty much it,another year without cake,surprise party,no gift and no nurse stripper.The last time I celebrate my birthday was back in 2005 in Matang,Kuching and that also was impromptu birthday party,impromptu because my dad came and bring along a birthday cake and a birthday card from my mom and sister.After that my friend suggest we buy chickens to fry,not a huge party,no fancy balloons or plastic cups to fill fresh juices...and no fan! I mean ceiling fan,its a very hot night that time and also its dark,I believe it went blackout that day.

As Darwin said,we already grown and there is no need a party or worth mention about celebrate a party but deep inside me,a little inside me still want a birthday party and a big one,I mean I reached my mid 20s! Thats like a mid life crisis to me,so a huge party is a must when you reach this age.Too bad that Saturday nothing out of ordinary or special thing happen,just another typical day for me.

Yesterday Sunday I thought its gonna be same old same old,I've draw alot on Saturday and Sunday morning,I didn't get any sleep that night so around 10am I decided to get me some sleep...until I received a call at 11am,I saw the number at the phone screen and it was an unknown number.I answered it and I heard a female voice,"is this Ben?" she asked,I answered yes.I still blur that time and abit cranky as I don't like people disturb me sleeping,somemore I don't get enough sleep! I almost got pissed off when I assume its a random female operator call wanting to do a stupid survey.Thats when she introduce herself as "Liyana",not any normal generic Liyana in Malaysia,but Liyana the lead singer from the band Estrella...an indie band in Malaysia...my eyes wide open when I realize and surprise because I really really didn't expect she'll call me,I just want to try my luck last Friday and here it is,she called me,she mention she did read my request from myspace and apologize for read my message a day late,she wish me a happy birthday and I was in "feels good man" land for 10-20 seconds there,she also asked me how did the birthday went and I answered "it was ermmm..." and she help me answer "Boring" hahaha,as if she read my mind! We don't have any further conversation though,too bad my mind was again went blank and I was too damn sleepy to enter social mode.You will probably say someone try to pull a prank on me but I can tell,positively thats the real Liyana from Estrella because of her well,voice of course.The first one I told about the news was my sister,she didn't believe me at first and she thought I was drunk for mumbling something silly haha.

I was happy for few minutes and eventually went back for being moody again,the phone call from Liyana is not as awesome as the day I met her in KLCC month ago though.But again,I'm so lucky to received a call from her,I guess I can considered this a "surprise gift".

After a month of holding grudge with those pranksters I think I can forgive 1/3 of them,after all his the one treat us all and it cost a bomb,almost RM120+ that night so I have to be thankful...while 'stingray',for some reason I just don't like that fella...maybe face problem or he should know me better and probably not a sincere apologize from the him.Meh whatever,as long he don't go overboard making fun of me I'm ok.

Now that I think about it,back in late July I've met Liyana and that time it was the most happiest thing happen in my life but after a while I saw her myspace pictures and the picture she taken with fans I think I'm not special anymore,its like just another day for her meeting with a fan and take picture with them...so that orgasm feeling just temporarily and not permanent...*sigh* so much for being hyper happy for few days.

Moviezzzzzzz

12/8/2009---------
Spongebob Squarepants Spicibus

I love Spongebob!

Miss Pettigrew lives for a day

Love love the accent from that particular era,love the way their fashion,carbaret club,hats,coats & suits...i wish i live at the time of era despite the war and stuff.

Sunshine Cleaning

Hate the character Nora,with attitude of fuck the world and emo makeup and also tend to screw things up...other than that nothing big or big special effect,oh I labeled Amy Adams as slut after watch her kissing and shit at Miss Pettigrew movie and then in this movie,yeah her smile is nice,solid body but thats not how you call that talent,cheap slut whore to get viewers attention.I'll watch porn vids thank you.

Milk

Based on true story of Harvey Milk about establishing gay rights back in the 70s,good performance from Sean Penn but not a big fan of gay sex scene...makes me feel uneasy in my stomach.

The Bank Job

Based on true story of bank robbery back in the late 70s,sex,drugs,corrupted cops & real naked women with real pussy...gonna love them all,unfortunately cant understand their slang,bloke,wanker,ay? etc....meh british accent.

Last Chance Harvey

After much of action pack and hard to understand slang from Bank Job I move to more calm movie,just the way i like it = light comedy + romantic.

14/8/2009---------
The Horsemen

Detective movie,theres one gruesome scene make my stomach crunch,kinda "parents doesn't understand me so I show them my way of emo".

Gran Torino

I love when Clint scare those punks with real gun point at their face,the ending kinda sad though...i was hoping the old man killed them all,gonna love that 1972 gran torino car.

Ghostbusters

Despite the cheesy 80s special effects and creatures but its still one of my favourite movie of all time.

15/8/2009---------
Little Rascal

I got nostalgia goosebump all over,I totally forgot how to storyline goes but as I watched the movie everything came to me back,I remember I borrowed the tape of this movie to my neighbour first and then I watch it later,and now I'm glad I download this movie and have it kept for collection.

La Vie en Rose

The timeline of this movie was clusterfuck,it change without you realizing it but nothing special,its a based true story about Edith Piaf and my first french movie in god knows how long(Pink Panther doesn't count)

16/8/2009---------

Nobody Knows

About the society of japan today,I don't like the ending at all....why can't that boy send her sister to the hospital? burying inside a luggage,carry the body all the way to the airport so he can fulfill his sister "to watch airplane" and end just like that.